Anxieties on Going Back to Work

Hi there! I apologize for the lack of posts going on around here. I am just trying to spend every moment I can with my darling girl before I have to go back to work next week. I know I have turned into a “mommy blogger” all of a sudden, and honestly, I have no apologies. I have always used this blog to catalog things that I like (makeup, food, my cat, funny things, etc.) and I think my baby has trumped it all.

Come on. How can one NOT be obsessed with that?

But I digress. I have had quite a “blogger’s block” lately, as all I want to talk about is her, naturally. I asked for some suggestions on twitter (although I probably whined more than anything) and Michelle suggested I post about my thoughts/anxieties on going back to work. This is an interesting thought, as I have a ton of feelings manifesting themselves about this now.

So yeah, I go back to work next Thursday. The good news is I go back to work for two days and then I have the entire week of Spring Break off. I kind of planned it that way so that if there were any problems those first two days, I have a week to fix it. I have to use the entire remainder of my leave to make sure Kennedy can take a bottle. Doesn’t sound like that much work, but it is. I can’t let my milk supply drop so if I replace a feeding with a bottle of expressed milk (I’ve got a nice little stockpile going in the freezer…ha), I’ve got to pump. And this girl wants the real thing. So this has been a busy week even though I’m sitting at home with her.

Anyway…

Kennedy will be staying with one of my best friends who is a stay at home mom. This is a win-win situation for everyone, since she will be with someone I trust immensely (I also watched her baby one summer for about a month) and my friend will get a little extra cash of her own that she can call her own. Kennedy will also be literally down the street from my school, so if there are any problems, I could get to her in two minutes flat. This childcare setup will only last through the summer, though, because I can’t expect my friend to keep watching my child. I am not sure what we are going to do come August when the next school year rolls around, but we have time to figure it out.

Anyway, so how do I feel about going to work?

I don’t want to go back. I just want to stay home with my precious girl and be her mother. I want that as my job. I think that if I leave her, I will miss her first laugh, her first word, her first step, etc. I want to be there for everything.

It’s funny, because I never thought I would feel like that. Nowadays, it seems the norm is to have a baby, stay home on maternity leave for a little while, and then go back to work seamlessly without any problems. At least, that is what I thought.

I’m worried about her taking a bottle, and I hope to God she behaves herself while I’m away and she adjusts nicely to her new daytime routine. She is typically really happy in the morning/early afternoon so I seriously hope she keeps that disposition for my friend. One time I left her with my sister for about 3.5 hours to get my hair done and she had a freak out moment and wouldn’t take a bottle. I have a feeling it’s because she didn’t want to be away from me because I’m all she’s ever known.

I now find myself seriously reconsidering everything I thought I was supposed to do so I could be a mother to my child. Unfortunately, it is not possible for us financially for me to be a stay at home mom. My husband feels the same way that I do – he would have me stay home in a heartbeat if we could financially swing it.

So my mission now is to find something that I can do to contribute financially while also staying home with my baby and future children. Anyone have any ideas for me? I know, stupid question… because, like, everyone wants that. Okay, so anyone want to pay me big bucks for being so darn amazing?!

Don’t get me wrong,  I LOVE my job. I consider myself very lucky to have such an amazing job and able to work with such talented students. Being a high school theatre teacher and director has been everything and more I have hoped it could be. It can be quite a demanding job, though, that can keep me away from home due to rehearsals and performances. I am really nervous about next year and how I plan on balancing all of that while still being a good mother to my baby.

So, tell me, working mothers. How do you do it all?

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